Another You

There isn’t much time left for you and me. No time to say all that has been unsaid for all these many years. No time to recount the love that was once felt but no has been replaced by an unwelcome comfort. No time to reminisce about the velvet sunsets and rainy mornings. No time to be just us, two people who would have given up the world for each other had they been given the choice. There isn’t much time for us now. Just a split second, enough to take a mental picture of you one last time before you leave, and then you’ll be gone. Just enough time to remember what you looked like before you lost the humanity in your eyes. Just enough time to remember the person that you were before you stopped smiling. Just enough time to remember the damage that you did.

And then you’re gone, lost in the wind like ashes scattered in a storm. Yet, I stand there, gazing hopelessly at the wind, willing you to return. The morsel of my soul that you left so cruelly now aches for you to return. And I stand in the same spot, through velvet sunsets and rainy mornings, because there is no solace in grieving for a heart that isn’t broken, but incomplete, for a soul that isn’t human but something of a shadow of a person that it was.

Even now, when I don’t remember what you looked like, or what you smelled like, or where your cheeks deepened when you smile, I am still you. And even when I wish you to be dead, you live on as me. And the last sliver of self-respect dies inside me, for I am no longer me but a shadow of the pain that you caused to make me another you.

Musings of An Extrovert

I don’t like people. I think they’re nosy and annoying and too proud of things they should actually be hiding. I don’t like people because most of the people that I’ve met have this air of superiority even though they’ve nothing to justify them walking around with their heads up in the high. I’ve always believed achievements, big and small, humble a person. And this leads me to believe that all those people strutting around as if they own the world having accomplished anything in their lives. I don’t like people because they demean and debase you on grounds of a social dogma that they themselves do not follow, but then their “rebellion” is justified because they are either too rich or too “moral” otherwise. I don’t like people because they would rather give free unusable, unneeded advice than necessary help.

But most of all, I don’t like people because of the way they would look at me if I stepped out of my house in my PJs, the way they would judge me and label me for this harmless, simple act. And mind you, I would only walk out of my house in my PJs if I was having an exceptionally lazy, lovely day.

Yet, my curse is my social demeanor which I’m sure I will carry with me to the grave. Not one “introvert” bone in my body, and yet my desire to be far away from people is at war with my need to be around them.

"Act Your Size!"

Things I’m afraid of:

1.  The look my Mom gives me when I reach across the dinner table for a second helping.

Yes, I’m on a diet. Yes, my Mom’s kind of like my nutritionist/personal trainer (because she keeps reminding I need to exercise more)/food-warden. *Sigh*

But I’m not complaining. Although I do turn into a 5-year old when she tells me to put down that cookie/cupcake/French fry/anything: “But Moooooooooom!!” Needless to say all the rants are lost on my Mom and she just rolls her eyes and tell me to stop acting like I’m not as fat as I really am.

Yes, my Mom never had to tell me to “act your age”.  But she does now find it very necessary to remind me to “act your size” every day. The painful irony to all this dieting (read “torture”) is that I’m still in-charge of taking care of my siblings’ sweet tooth. (God, take me now.)

In related news, the one-pan skillet cookie I baked yesterday was yummy, or so I’ve been told. And also the soufflé I’m making today will be the “talk of the town” for months to come. Do you see the irony here?

Credits: http://cake0rdeath.blogspot.com/

Highly Motivational

The internet is a beautiful thing. There is something on it for everyone, something to counter everyone's misery. And considering that I've been trying to cut back on my "binge-eating", I found loads of motivational stuff on the internet, even though I wasn't actually looking for motivational stuff, I was looking for cupcake recipes. (haha)

Only to Live

In the memory of lost loves and old friends, there aren’t many words that I might say. But I would say this, I would ask them to come and take from me that little part of themselves they left in my care. For I cannot care anymore, cannot fight your demons anymore. I would ask for them to come and take from me the little of them that I am left with, so that I might be whole again, once again a complete me, somebody who did not know them, and also did not know the sorrow that comes with the moments of reminiscence. I would ask for them to come and say a proper goodbye, one after which they truly depart. For I wish to be free now, free of all the past that haunts me. For I wish to start anew, with a light heart, and an empty mind, so that I might fill it up again, but with good things this time. I would ask that they come and leave once more, and leave this time so that there is no hope. For I do not wish to live with hope anymore, I only wish to live.