I Would Tell You This

I'm sitting in my room, holding the phone in my hand, debating whether to call you or not. If I called you, I don't know what I would say to you.

I wouldn't pester you for reasons.
I wouldn't ask you what you thought went wrong.
I would tell you that I'm standing right where you left me, in the rain, confused like a child & helpless like a cripple.
I would tell you that I miss your laughter, the way you would fall over, clutching your sides because of something I said or did. I pray nothing steals that laughter.
I would tell you that I miss you telling me that I'm amazing, even though I know that's not true. I pray nothing changes your perspective.
I would tell you that I miss the way you'd complain about everything, even though I hated it. I pray you find contentment wherever you are.
I would tell you that I miss you.
I would tell you how I'm not angry or offended or confused, but hurt, and maybe broken. But the beauty of anything that is broken is that it can be fixed.
I would tell you that I still close my eyes & see your face, & I reach my hand to yours & feel the warmth & gentleness of your hand in mine.
I would tell you that I'm afraid of waking up in the mornings because I'm scared that the dream will break & you will again be out of reach, just a bit too far.
I would tell you that I'm standing right where you left me, in the rain.

So, I'm dialling your number, hearing the dial-tone, I hear a click as you pick up the phone. But I hang up before hearing your voice. I've suddenly realized I have nothing to say.

So I've Been Thinking...

Don't you dare get on my bad side!

Maybe what I’m doing isn’t right, maybe it’s the worst thing ever. Maybe I’ll let you people be the judge… Or maybe not. *Puts on game face.* Because you see, people only judge you by projecting their own thoughts on to you.

Yes, these are teenage revelations! *blah* What do you expect from me?! I’m mentally still 16!

BEWARE! Ranting(s) ahead. Proceed with caution.

But I hate the world & all those people who judge other people only because they don’t fit their own weird definition of normal. I’m NOT normal, I’ve never been. I don’t like being normal either. Normal sucks, big time. *bout of imaginary vomiting* I haven’t even wanted to be one-with-the-crowd since I was in 5^th grade. What stirred this rebellion inside my, at that time, kid brain, is a completely different story. But I knew then *drum roll* that I would never be a part of the crowd, no matter what kind of a crowd it is.

So what if I’m fat?!

So what if I can say what’s on my mind & not be ashamed of it?!

So what if I don’t have my own personal agenda?!

So what if my life does not revolve around how I look like when I leave home in the morning?!

So what if I don’t care what people think about me?!

Here’s the deal: SEE.IF.I.CARE!

& really, if any one of you smartasses comes up with the “clever” retort that I would not have had the need to shout all this out to the world if I actually didn’t care, well, you can just reserve your comments for a better, sportier audience! *glares*

I’m a one-of-a-kind person. Yes, you may argue that we are all different in some way & bla bla bla. But, really, go rain on someone else’s parade. I don’t need people to tell me what I can’t handle or who I’m not or what I couldn’t possibly do! They should all realize that they are posing me with challenges I have no time to punch down BECAUSE I actually have a life!

Haven’t I just made your day? This is after all what you wanted to read, wasn’t it? My thoughts. That is why you are on this page, right now, right here, in this glorious moment. You have been saved. Your soul has been salvaged. You are now a (little bit more) free (than you were 5 minutes ago, assuming that’s how long it took you to read this) person!

You all make me proud! I make me proud! *victory dance*

& now for some more… zzzZZZzzz

(With that I shall be leaving you in the dark, till my creative bug bites again!)

One Fine (Crazy) Morning

In the past few weeks I’ve been trying like hell, with all my heart, to be a little more random, the way almost all the people around me are. But I think I’m just not cut out for it.

So the conclusion I came down to: I can’t be any more random than I already am!

I’m not random in the South Park or Sponge Bob or Family Guy or Barney Stinson way (no matter how hard I try to be, to fit into the “Random People’s Club”) but I’m random in my own specific way. For example, ………. zzzZZZzzz……….. What was I saying? Oh yeah, the randomness…. So ………. zzzZZZzzz….. So do you get it now?

I think I’m actually going crazy now. I have nothing to write about! *panic* Writer’s block, maybe? Or is it just a lack of inspiration? I think lack of inspiration! There’s not enough hotness around (NOT referring to the weather) to inspire me! *evil snickering*

So where is all the hotness? (I have a vague recollection of asking this question before. *thoughtful humming*) I think I’ll go get some food, or maybe I should just annoy someone? Food or annoying someone? *weighing the options* Do you feel annoyed now that you wasted a perfect 5 minutes of your life reading complete random gibberish? You do, don’t you? Now you’re trying to cover it up with fake laughing just so you don’t feel like an idiot.

YES! I can read minds! *points threateningly* & YOU ought to stop thinking about the left-over pizza in the fridge & get some work done.

I’m bored now. It’s been too much randomness now. I must sleep now, rejuvenate the random bone. *counts sheep*

Red

There were echoing screams in her head as she ran; ran past the houses, past the fences, past the trees, into the perfect round clearing, lit by the moon, surrounded in a perfect circle with solemn blood-red roses, & in the middle of the clearing, she kneeled, & cried out to the Heavens, “Why?”. She screamed until there was no more air in her lungs, she screamed until she was sure the Heavens had heard her.

& a breeze blew, soft & gentle, cool as the moonlight shining on her skin, & she knew then Heaven wasn’t alone in hearing her cries. & without even turning around, she knew he had come for her. & without a question, she gave her soul away.

& that night, the Heavens wept.

So, God...?

So, as a last resort, I turned to God. Yes, that sound pathetic, He should’ve been the first thing on my mind. But I’m a member of the “hip” generation, not really my fault.

Anyway, so, I’m not exactly praying. Technically, I am praying. But what I’m really doing is negotiating. I’m discussing my terms with Him. Yes, it’s a one-way conversation. But what the hell, right? Oops, sorry God, I know I’m not allowed to swear, but blame my generation.

So I’m asking Him to negotiate with me on the possibilities of what I want. He’ll throw in the full possibility of me getting what I want & I’ll join UNICEF? No, that’s not really what you want is it?

What about 85% possibility & I’ll donate all my shoes. Fine, I know I don’t have enough of those for even me, it’s because of the economic depression, no one has enough shoes these days.

Ok, what about 50% possibility & I’ll pray every day? I’m thinking you’re agreed to that,& yes, I know prayer changes destiny. But please just write 50% possibility into my destiny, please?

So, I’m thinking God & I have reached an agreement. Although it was a one-way conversation, but I think I’m going to go with the gut feeling I have that He’s happy with the last option!

Prayer changes destiny. Hopefully for the better.

& Again

Let’s fall in love again. Let’s try one last time. Let’s be all we wanted to be. Let’s not give in this time.

But this time, let’s not make the promises. The shard of those previously broken still litter the plains of my memory. Let’s not make plans this time. The ones we left unfinished still haunt me in my dreams. Let’s not say “forever” this time. It is not certain, it is not possible, does not exist.

Let’s fall in love once again.

Let’s try one last time.

Acceptance

It’s funny how loss doesn’t really seem like loss once you know it’s inevitable. Then it just starts to feel like a transition from one state of events to another.

I think I’ll let go now, of all that we were. I’ll forget all those nights, all the laughter, all the stupid jokes that no one else will ever know. I think I’ll let you go your own way now as I chalk out a new one for myself, maybe this time I’ll add a few more thorns in my wake, so another like you doesn’t follow me like you did so many years ago. I think I’ll let you go now & maybe never think of you again or maybe I will think of you again, on stormy nights when the window of my soul will be battered by the raindrops of a million unshed tears.

I think I’ll let go of you now. & in letting you go, I’m left with nothing to fight for, nothing more to ask for. I think I’ll let go of you now & bury a part of me right beside you. I think I’ll let go of you now & be whole once again.

But will I? Will the thought of you stop haunting me somewhere before eternity comes & goes? Will the hint of your presence elude me ever? Will you let me go?

Will you remember, in times when you begin to blame me for your failures & loss, you asked me for all this? Will you remember how the sunlight was reflected in my tears? Will you remember how I begged? Will you remember me?

I’m not going to be remembered, am I? For you, I’ll cease to exist the moment I move beyond your sight. For you’ll I’ll be a dream that you remember but only vaguely, the beautiful details confined to your sub-conscious. For you, I’ll be nothing.

So I think I’ll let you go now & be whole once again.

Secrets

There are times when there are words that I choose not to say & there are stories you choose not to hear. But still you listen, in the middle of the night, when the world lies silent, to the steady beat of my heart, hoping that it will share secrets with you that my lips dare not.

Why do we choose? Why can’t we just be? Why can’t we just remain in a state of eternal happiness where nothing disrupts the presence of my mind except for the thought of you being a bit too close?

Hold my hand, not in the dark where there is no one but me, but in the light, where everyone must see to whom I belong. Hold me close enough to raise eyebrows but not questions. Hold me where I do not overstep your boundaries & neither you, mine.

Let’s find reasons for the guilty pleasures & nonsense in the legalities. Let’s stand in the rain & do nothing or maybe dance on dry sand. Let’s be who they think we are.

Listen tonight, when the world lies silent, to my steady heartbeat. The last secret goes out into the open tonight; promise me devotion & my soul is yours for the keeping. 

Heaven

(A while back, I put in an entry for a one-line story competition. Although not the best one there, but it is MY story.)

Once upon a bright, beautiful day, a piece of Heaven fell down from the sky, on my head; it was a picture of you, the final piece of my puzzle.